Happiness

Today I was coming back from Calculus class in Cookeville, driving down a twisty road with the top down on my car, blasting and singing along with old music from high school, and I caught myself smiling.  A voice in my head immediately said, "Stop that shit."

I've always hated and feared happiness.  I don't want it.  I think the reason I don't want it is because I think it has to be earned.  I essentially consider anyone who still has problems but feels happy insane.  I don't get to smile yet.  My money isn't right, I'm not secure, I'm not healthy, I'll never have kids or a career or retire or go on vacation again.  I won't let myself smile while that's true.

XMA

When you really take the time to look closely at XMA, Wushu, Capoeira, Breakdancing, Parkour, or any other hip 90s folk dance I'm forgetting, you quickly realize that it's just amateur gymnastics, and that makes it a little less cool.  Then you realize that all the people who do it aren't good enough to do real gymnastics, and it becomes completely sad.

This Is Why I Don't Go to Church

http://blog.beliefnet.com/projectconversion/2011/08/dear-muhammad.html 

Just read this thing a friend from work posted talking about how beautiful it is, and I don't know what the fuck this guy poked into his keyboard.  These bobble-headed drones are sitting back critiquing this poor bastard as he apparently has a major psychotic break.  Dear fucking Jehosophat, people, get this man some Thorazine.

Rules for Living Number Whatever

Women are always cold.  Always.  Any woman who isn't currently wearing a full sweatsuit is just trying to look good.  Any woman who tells you she sleeps in the nude or walks around the house in panties is just trying to turn you on.

We're in the Top Quartile! Go USA!

Americans are obsessed with being number one in everything.  We have been for a long time.  Isn't that the point of the Space Race?  How dare the largest nation in the world try to land on the Moon before we do?  How about the 2008 Olympics?  How dare the most populous nation in the world get more Olympic gold medals? 

I have some sad news, America.  It turns out there's no prize.  When the Earth finally plummets into the Sun or the asteroid hits or whatever, Jesus isn't going to resurrect all the Americans and say, "You guys were the best sonsofbitches of all time!  Here's your trophy!"

Career Advice

I think one of the greatest jobs ever would be Dumbbell Engineer.  Imagine going in to see your boss at the end of the week and having him ask,
Boss - So, how did that 25 pound dumbbell design go?
You - Check it out.  Twenty.  Five.  Pounds, son.
B - Goddamnit, you've done it again.  Dare I ask, twenty-five point what?
Y - Twenty-five point zero.
B - That's a bonus check!

Language Matters pt. 1

I'll tell all you guys a secret:  women hate it when you use the word "cocksucker" as an insult.  You know why?  It's pretty easy.  Every guy who's reading this who doesn't want a woman to perform this service for him wants  a man to do it.  You guys are pretty inconsistent about whether this is a desirable or undesirable act.  You can't ask someone to be what you just declared someone you hate or want to dismiss to be.

Instead, try to work it into conversation as a positive thing.  "Dude, the cafeteria has free pie this afternoon."  "That's the most spuzz-gargling news I've heard all day!"  Work on making the phrase as positive as the act and some day you can ask your kids, "How was school today, kids?"  "School sucked a big fat one today, Dad!"  "Excellent."