Today I was coming back from Calculus class in Cookeville, driving down a twisty road with the top down on my car, blasting and singing along with old music from high school, and I caught myself smiling. A voice in my head immediately said, "Stop that shit."
I've always hated and feared happiness. I don't want it. I think the reason I don't want it is because I think it has to be earned. I essentially consider anyone who still has problems but feels happy insane. I don't get to smile yet. My money isn't right, I'm not secure, I'm not healthy, I'll never have kids or a career or retire or go on vacation again. I won't let myself smile while that's true.
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