Americans are obsessed with being number one in everything. We have been for a long time. Isn't that the point of the Space Race? How dare the largest nation in the world try to land on the Moon before we do? How about the 2008 Olympics? How dare the most populous nation in the world get more Olympic gold medals?
I have some sad news, America. It turns out there's no prize. When the Earth finally plummets into the Sun or the asteroid hits or whatever, Jesus isn't going to resurrect all the Americans and say, "You guys were the best sonsofbitches of all time! Here's your trophy!"
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Career Advice
I think one of the greatest jobs ever would be Dumbbell Engineer. Imagine going in to see your boss at the end of the week and having him ask,
Boss - So, how did that 25 pound dumbbell design go?
You - Check it out. Twenty. Five. Pounds, son.
B - Goddamnit, you've done it again. Dare I ask, twenty-five point what?
Y - Twenty-five point zero.
B - That's a bonus check!
Boss - So, how did that 25 pound dumbbell design go?
You - Check it out. Twenty. Five. Pounds, son.
B - Goddamnit, you've done it again. Dare I ask, twenty-five point what?
Y - Twenty-five point zero.
B - That's a bonus check!
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Language Matters pt. 1
I'll tell all you guys a secret: women hate it when you use the word "cocksucker" as an insult. You know why? It's pretty easy. Every guy who's reading this who doesn't want a woman to perform this service for him wants a man to do it. You guys are pretty inconsistent about whether this is a desirable or undesirable act. You can't ask someone to be what you just declared someone you hate or want to dismiss to be.
Instead, try to work it into conversation as a positive thing. "Dude, the cafeteria has free pie this afternoon." "That's the most spuzz-gargling news I've heard all day!" Work on making the phrase as positive as the act and some day you can ask your kids, "How was school today, kids?" "School sucked a big fat one today, Dad!" "Excellent."
Instead, try to work it into conversation as a positive thing. "Dude, the cafeteria has free pie this afternoon." "That's the most spuzz-gargling news I've heard all day!" Work on making the phrase as positive as the act and some day you can ask your kids, "How was school today, kids?" "School sucked a big fat one today, Dad!" "Excellent."
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Buying Trophies
Looking over your shoulder and peering intently into the horizon are two different ways of tripping over your own two feet.I mention these things because I have been reminded recently of how so many people allow either parents or children to be an excuse for failure.
Japan is obsessed with filial responsibility and I haven't seen it benefit anyone yet. I had a student explain to me once how she could never get a tattoo because she doesn't own her body. Her parents made it for her and she doesn't have the right to deface their gift. If that's so then her parents' bodies must belong to their parents and so on. I suppose it follows that any Japanese person who wants a tattoo should have some kids and tattoo them.
Western cultures often promote the same absurdity in the opposite direction. A person should live for the sake of his or her children, who should live for the sake of their children and so on. It turns us all into nothing more than hairy Von Neumann machines. The only hope we can really have is for our great^x-grandchildren to wind up gay, but it puts a lot of pressure on him to enjoy all the foregone happiness of his ancestors stretching back through antiquity. I'm glad Franklin Roosevelt never wasted time sitting around and wondering how to teach his children to be future world leaders. Were would we be today if Tomas Edison had spent his days reading books on how to foster his children's creativity? In the dark. That's where.
Since both of these approaches to live send everyone into an infinite loop, there must be at least a third option. I say it's this: the only reasonable timespan for obligation must be within one's own life and time. If your parents created you just so you would worship and serve them, they did it for entirely selfish reasons and deserve no gratitude. If you really want your kids to be rich and successful, get rich and be successful and you'll be in the position to set up a good trust fund for them. Sabotaging your own success because you claim it supports your children is just an excuse for failure.
People who live for their parents or children are trying to ape truly successful families like a pickup artist with a fake Rolex is trying to ape an actual successful man. The hot girl, the proud parents, or the happy children are a reward for accomplishment. They aren't the actual accomplishment. To put it more simply, there is no Nobel Prize for Nobel-Prize-Seeking.
Japan is obsessed with filial responsibility and I haven't seen it benefit anyone yet. I had a student explain to me once how she could never get a tattoo because she doesn't own her body. Her parents made it for her and she doesn't have the right to deface their gift. If that's so then her parents' bodies must belong to their parents and so on. I suppose it follows that any Japanese person who wants a tattoo should have some kids and tattoo them.
Western cultures often promote the same absurdity in the opposite direction. A person should live for the sake of his or her children, who should live for the sake of their children and so on. It turns us all into nothing more than hairy Von Neumann machines. The only hope we can really have is for our great^x-grandchildren to wind up gay, but it puts a lot of pressure on him to enjoy all the foregone happiness of his ancestors stretching back through antiquity. I'm glad Franklin Roosevelt never wasted time sitting around and wondering how to teach his children to be future world leaders. Were would we be today if Tomas Edison had spent his days reading books on how to foster his children's creativity? In the dark. That's where.
Since both of these approaches to live send everyone into an infinite loop, there must be at least a third option. I say it's this: the only reasonable timespan for obligation must be within one's own life and time. If your parents created you just so you would worship and serve them, they did it for entirely selfish reasons and deserve no gratitude. If you really want your kids to be rich and successful, get rich and be successful and you'll be in the position to set up a good trust fund for them. Sabotaging your own success because you claim it supports your children is just an excuse for failure.
People who live for their parents or children are trying to ape truly successful families like a pickup artist with a fake Rolex is trying to ape an actual successful man. The hot girl, the proud parents, or the happy children are a reward for accomplishment. They aren't the actual accomplishment. To put it more simply, there is no Nobel Prize for Nobel-Prize-Seeking.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)